Get Out Me Swamp
A Dip in Cracker Lake: POC and their Hook-Ups with yt People
ANONYMOUS // APRIL 13, 2018
This started the way most great love stories start–a message sent at 11pm on the first day of the semester saying “anyways not to be too forward wanna shmang sometime?” The second she replied with “maybe ;^)” I should’ve been thrown off. Who even uses emoticons like that anymore in 2018?
This discussion soon moved from Facebook messenger to iMessage, opening with a strong “hey so i think you're really quite hot but also i'm worried fucking u will make me feel emotionally empty lol.” I sort of get it. Not everyone is super comfortable with hookup culture and random hookups. But to put that on someone you barely know is a lot. It made me wonder about my own fuckboyish behavior and how it was impacting other people. I tried to emphasize that I only wanted to hook up if she was comfortable with that. She texted me, “u just don't have to worry bout me that's the main point like i'm always gonna wanna hunk ur cute and i'm not gonna get too attached or anything so u can hit me ups soon and i'll explain more and we alcan chill ;)” and for some reason I still decided to roll with this. Even with all my confusion and panic. After all, she called me hot, and I live for external, superficial validation.
After a while of her trying to explain herself, we decided to just meet in person and talk about this. We sat in the stairwell in my dorm and immediately she started talking about her birthright trip to Israel and how it made her reevaluate her stance on things like hooking up and relationships. She told me about how she views herself as conservative–especially in the context of Oberlin–and that she didn’t feel super free to express those views on campus. But kept coming back to how she wasn’t into just meaningless sex. Which is cool. Do you! But I didn’t hit her up for anything deeper than collecting my nut and moving on. Especially if that entails hearing about her “transformative” trip to Israel at 1am. I had an 8:35am the next day. It was not the time for this. When she started going on about her scholarship that she doesn’t really need while I’m out here working 5 jobs to barely pay my tuition, I wanted it to end.
But still, I stayed with her. It was like I hadn’t listened to the one thing my mother told me before going to college: no white women. I had a bad feeling about this. Part of me was glad she brought up her awful (in my opinion) political views so I knew to stay away. But most of me just wanted her to leave so I could go to sleep and rant to my roommate about how wildly unnecessary white women are. When she asked to kiss me, I caved. I messaged her on a mission and I wanted to accomplish at least something. I went to bed thoroughly confused about the whole experience.
Maybe a week later, I messaged her again asking if she wanted to come by. A nice 2:30am “u up?” --and she was. She came by and laid in my bed with me, but of course, she started talking. She kept saying that I was easy to idealize and project on because no one knew what was going on in my head. She said my Instagram me was very different from real me, but she also felt like she didn’t know the real me. She even said that she’d found me more attractive before she’d gotten to know me. She even told me about her crush on one of my friends. Maybe if she let me get a word in, she could’ve learned a bit about me. But I’m glad she kept talking. Did I want her knowing more about me? No. Everytime she made a comment, she followed it up by saying that she felt like I misunderstood everything she said and that she “must confuse me.”
What followed was maybe the weirdest 4am makeout session before she left for home. It never went any further than that. I decided a 2:30am booty call was not worth this and that I need a break from white women.