Everyone’s Finals Just Slightly More Demanding than Yours, Study Finds
MADDIE METTENBERG // DECEMBER 14, 2018
A groundbreaking new study by The Center for Ex-Gifted Children and Their Imposter Syndrome found that while finals are generally stressful, everyone else’s finals are just slightly more demanding than yours. A supplemental study concludes that since the stress you feel is so comparatively underwhelming, you deserve far fewer Instagram breaks than you are currently taking.
Included in this report were statistics illustrating that everyone else, on average, has ten more pages to write than you. Additionally, everyone else has at least one more exam, which is, on average, 85% more difficult than any exam you’ll ever take.
However, the report wasn’t just dry statistics without real-world applications; also included were the results of the report’s extensive survey project. Talking with your classmates cemented this study’s findings — that everyone just has way more on their plate than you. A reported 87% of students, when returning a perfunctory “how are you?”, receive assurances that it’s good — glad you’re doing well, but whew, things are pretty hectic over here since I’m getting sick, and we’re really racing to the finish line!
The survey found that the sites of such conversation varied little, happening almost entirely between the tables on first-floor Mudd and the water bottle station in Azariah’s. Mudd’s illicit cigarette ramp was also a culprit, though the conversation reported here skewed much more apathetic and Foucault-centric than the campus average. In such areas, researchers have found a 69% likelihood of students being approached by baseball hat guy from their biggest lecture and told, barely prompted, how they just can’t get that paper off their mind.
Additionally, 54% of students during such a conversation report learning that the homoerotic undertones in Andy Warhol’s Empire are so beautifully understated, and are then recommended a plethora of supplemental readings that they are too polite to refuse.
Despite its findings, the study concluded on a note of hope. As everyone diligently studying on upper floors flees the stench of the Naked Run, the study reported a high percentage of empty study carrels available for you to work in — the good ones near outlets. Researches recommend using this two-hour period, however brief and smelly, to catch up.