How The Signs Deal With Coming Home for Thanksgiving


Aries: running over a turkey who took too long to cross the street

Pisces: baking weed into the pumpkin pie

Scorpio: weird sex with a stranger in their childhood bed

Sagittarius: absolutely decimating their homophobic aunt and not giving a fuck about keeping the peace

Leo: making a live video of their skin care regimen

Cancer: sitting at the kid’s table


Gemini: shit-talking their family to their friends and their friends to their family


Aquarius: trying to explain microaggressions to their racist grandma

Capricorn: shoveling the neighbors’ driveways for $500 an hour


Taurus: hoarding all the wine and coffee


Virgo: warning everyone about romaine lettuce


Libra: mediating their parents’ divorce

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