Stolen Soup: Stevie Edition


Picture this: It’s a blustery Thursday afternoon in February and you want nothing more than to curl your hangnail-ridden hands around a warm cup of soup in the company of friends.


What would typically be an easily-realized dream is complicated by the fact that you live in, say, South Hall, where the kitchen smells of the rot produced by month-old SpaghettiO spillage and memories of ramen noodles past. All you have to work with is the strange menagerie of the post-it note-claimed food in the communal fridge you would think would be less gross based on the army of exclamation points after “DO NOT EAT BELONGS TO LAURA M”.


How will you make the soup? Don’t worry. You have 300 meal swipes a semester. You will make the soup.


You’ll need :

  • 3 tupperware containers that will fit into your filthy canvas tote

  • 1 friend whose jacket has very large pockets

  • Pasta pot found in South kitchen

  • Spoon

  • 1 plateful garbanzo beans; Zaboo (1994-2014 R.I.P) the lemur from the hit children’s TV show Zoboomafoo (1999-2001) loved them

  • ½ plateful raw mushrooms (Agaricus bisporus)

  • ½ plateful raw broccoli

  • ½ plateful raw onions; we don’t really need onions for the soup but it is our moral obligation to prevent any future salad bar patrons from putting raw onions on their salad when given the opportunity

  • ½ plateful carrots; they will be mushy and taste a bit like crayons and that’s just fine

  • 1 Stevie-sized bowl of tomato soup

  • Green beans; you are at the mercy of the CDS employee dishing out your green beans in terms of amount of green beans

  • 5 salt packets from DeCafé (found in bottom of Jacket Friend’s pockets)


  1. Enter Stevie with three of your closest friends. Set up camp in an area within close proximity to the salad bar, but far enough that your pilfering will go unnoticed by the ‘line watchers.’  

  2. Head to the salad bar and begin loading raw veggies and legumes (garbanzos, mushrooms, cauliflower, broccoli, onions, carrots) into two of your tupperwares.

  3. Go to real Stevie and ask for a plate of whatever vegetables they have. It’s usually steamed and unseasoned green beans, which are to be avoided at all costs when dining on site, but are perfectly salvageable as soup ingredients. Transfer your finds into the last tupperware container.

  4. Get a bowl of tomato soup from the soup section and put it into your friend’s crusty Nalgene. Don’t use your own crusty Nalgene as it will be stained red and you’ll never be able to completely get rid of the smell.

  5. Head Southward--you know, towards South. Make sure to go to the leftmost South kitchen because the other one doesn’t have iron supplements.

  6. Take an iron supplement if you want.

  7. Put all your ingredients into the pasta pot that is usually there and make soup.

  8. Wash your dishes and eat all your warm soup <3

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