DeCafe to begin carrying Instagram influencer brands
ANONYMOUS // MARCH 8, 2019
Memo from CDS:
Flat Tummy Lollipops!
CDS is thrilled to start stocking DeCafé shelves with Flat Tummy Appetite Suppressant Lollipops. They will be replacing the Grab-and-Go sandwiches and wraps that were previously available. No need to eat when you’re not hungry! Got cravings? Tell them to #suckit with the Flat Tummy Lollipops. Grab 7 lollipops on a meal swipe!
Fit Tummy Tea!
Forget your morning coffee run, DeCafé is now serving Fit Tummy Tea! Without your bloat and water retention, you won’t even miss your daily caffeine. Oberlin wants their students feeling great, not sluggish and sad. This tea is replacing both the coffee and Numi brand tea that DeCafé previously stocked.
Sugar Bear Hair!
CDS wants students to look as good as they feel. That’s why DeCafé will start offering Sugar Bear Hair vitamins! These yummy blue supplements will have your hair looking lush and luxurious. Soon Oberlin will be known for its abundance of gorgeous shiny locks, rather than mottled stinky hippie buns. Along with the hair vitamins, DeCafé will also be supplying the lovely pink Women’s Multi! But don’t worry, they’ll probably work for non-women too. As Kylie Jenner says, “Blue for my hair and pink for my body!” These super delicious vitamins will be replacing the trail mix, candy, baking supplies, and most flavors of Annie’s Mac n’ Cheese.