A few words from your new Bad Habits Editor
JANE WICKLINE // MARCH 8, 2019
Hey guys, listen up. Someone took my bike. It’s a green cruiser with a black leather seat and a red sticker on the crossbar. I’m not mad, I would just like it back. It had a lot of sentimental value to me; I really cherished the way it made me go faster than walking.
Was it a great bike? No. Was it locked when it was taken? I don’t remember. Probably not. Am I even entirely certain that it’s legally my bike anymore? I am not. Am I abusing my new platform in publishing this piece? Big time.
But here’s the thing. I have seen this bike no less than NINE times since its first disappearance. It is AROUND. It’s being used, loved, cared for by one of you fuckers, and I want you to know that I am hot on your trail. You think you can take my unlocked bike and park it outside Mudd? I INVENTED parking that bike outside Mudd. I invented Mudd. I invented bikes. I invented you. When I find you--and I will fucking find you--I hope you have a good team of lawyers because I am willing to make this into way more of an ordeal than is appropriate for something worth $90.
Attached is a photo—if anybody has any leads please email me at email@example.com.
In conclusion, I am very excited to be a part of the Grape family. It is an honor to work for such an incredible publication and I will do my absolute best not to let our readers down.