Bisexuality is in the Air or Maybe… the Water?


In 1976, Oberlin’s finest pharmaceutical entrepreneurs discovered a compound fabled to increase attraction towards the same sex. This “homo-chemical,” scientifically named StatisticallyMoreOrgasmic Acid, has since found success as a Pride party drug. In fall of 2018, three students came forward and admitted to dumping “like forty dollars worth” of this drug downstream of the Oberlin Filtration Plant. They confessed, “S&S was on patrol, we just wanted to get rid of the evidence.”

Soon after the chemical breach, a group of right-wing Ohioans caught wind of this gayphrodisiac and began working on a counter strike, concocting a “hetero-chemical” known as InvitedToTheFamilyEventanol Oxide. They dispersed this chemical in local waterways, targeting the “liberal cesspool” of Oberlin college. Remarkably, the reaction of these two chemicals in an aqueous environment resulted in Queerisium Sulfate, which supposedly augments attraction towards all genders. The coalition’s efforts only increased sexual fluidity in Oberlin’s hookup culture.

To investigate the effects on student life, I interviewed three individuals who had sexuality crises last semester. Elmo Tumbokon (previously indicted for clout fixing, has since changed his name as part of his company’s rebranding efforts) has struggled with his identity as a gay man. He notes, “I started making out with white girls at parties and everything got too real.” Aniella Day, a first year who identified as straight before Oberlin, says, “I don’t think anyone is still straight after disorientation.” Another person who previously identified as a lesbian reported, “when I got to Oberlin where the mainstream culture valued consent, I felt the majority of guys I was surrounded by wouldn’t take advantage of me.” She notes she was “turned on by the bare minimum”.

Researchers have been unable to prove a causal link between rising rates of bisexuality and exposure to competing chemical substances. There are many confounding factors that could have thrown people’s previously assured sexuality into disarray. Such as: women with shaved heads who look like Pete Davidson, E-boys with light eyeshadow and one nail painted black, and nonbinary TAs with round thin-wired glasses.

In addition there seems to be a positive correlation between those who have taken an intro GSFS course and sexuality fluctuations. This appears to originate from the knowledge that both gender and sexuality are spectrums that shouldn’t have inherent expectations. The only outliers in this study were men who cut off women in discussions about the “female experience.”

In conclusion, the effects of drinking water on sexuality have not been confirmed. In the meanwhile, stay hydrated!

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