Harkness Legal Status Changed From “Non-Profit” To “Scary Place”


The Oberlin College community is reeling from a statement released by the Oberlin Student Cooperative Association Wednesday, detailing their decision to release the historic Harkness Coop from their corporate assets due to violations of OSCA’s 501(c)3 nonprofit status. The decision was made after an OSCA-wide internal audit revealed that Harkness’ signature papier-mache shark sculpture is a conscious creature that for years has proclaimed itself Harkness’ “Druid Superior.” The shark promised Harkness members a cataclysmic awakening of the “Great Old Ones” in return for gifts of human flesh, but according to OSCA offices, this systematic collection of human carrion and spiritual essence violates OSCA’s not-for-profit status.


Further complicating the matter is the nature of the violation: because any gain for Harkness is such a substantial loss to humanity, the co-op is also ineligible for “for-profit” status. The coop is awaiting approval for a new official legal designation, “Scary place,” historically only ever awarded to the Atlantic City Hard Rock Café prior to its recent renovation.  


Only two of the six auditors sent to assess Harkness survived, both of whom refused comment due to an inability to speak in human tongues following the traumatic audits. The only surviving accounts of the audits came from the emails sent to OSCA office by auditor Gilliam McNannigan (third year). Excerpts from McNannigan’s accounts are printed below:


“Our first concern was one purely of accessibility. Upon entering the building Ronnie (a first year elected to help with the audits) was fully consumed by the Shark Beast (sic). We were only able to enter by tossing buckets of chum into the foyer and sprinting through while the Beast was slurping the gore off of a defunct upright piano. Harkness residents assured us in gleeful whispers that this was standard procedure. The shark moaned in a way that made members of our team personally uncomfortable and deafened one. We hope that these are conditions that the co-op will be able to discuss during its next meal.”


McNannigan then went on to detail how: “Our auditors asked Harkness DLEC Skylar Ricardo (second year) to comment on the state of Harkness. She explained in slurred yelps that ‘You Topsiders think we live in some kind of Soviet gulag. Gulags are cold, and my skin feels hot. So hot. Do not speak to me again or I am positive I will burn, and if I burn I will make you burn with me.’”


Despite Ricardo’s assertions, our team found that while Harkness does not contain the ground layer of permafrost so characteristic of traditional gulag conditions, the congealed shell of evaporated tofu water, tears, and discarded pubic hair coating the floor gave off a remarkably similar experience.”


The Grape staff sincerely hopes that with revisions to the cooperative’s place within the Oberlin community and within the cosmic void, Harkness can appeal and retain its non-profit status. We must not lose the protective shell of an operational Harkness co-op, lest the horrors within escape.

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