Bachelor of Oberlin
How to fully live your Bachelor life
By PJ McCormick | | March 9, 2018 @ 5:25 pm
Art by Ava Zuschlag.
Being a fan of The Bachelor is a lifestyle. Twice a year, it requires the memorization of the names and faces of 30 identical looking contestants – all named Lauren or Lindsay if you’re watching the Bachelor, and Chris or Josh if you’re watching the Bachelorette – and the ability to, at a moment’s notice, mentally flip through scores of past contestants to give context to the current season.
It requires a near constant defense of The Bachelor to any detractors – those out there who have mocked this very column know who you are. If you’re reading now, ask yourself: how many seasons of TV do you have under your belt? The Bachelor has twenty-two!
Maybe most importantly for student fans of the Bachelor is finding time amidst all their schoolwork for weekly 2 hour episodes. That can be tough for many, and potentially devastating to miss if you’ve tasked yourself with writing a weekly column for your school’s alternative student newspaper.
But improvisation is a gift, as are the numerous Bachelor recap columns that exist on any entertainment site on the internet. With that in mind, let’s turn to the events in the Bachelor Universe this week, which have been tumultuous.
Actual Bachelor Spoilers Ahead
Week 10 of The Bachelor brought Fantasy Suites. First-time Bachelor viewers often ask how much sex the contestants are having on the show. Couldn’t a contestant cheat the system by sleeping with the Bachelor or Bachelorette early on in the season? Is the Bachelor just a ludicrously corny orgy?
While the sexual politics of the Bachelor are often difficult to parse, the show is typically surprisingly conservative. Contestants don’t talk about sex. For the first 9 weeks of any season, kissing is as physically intimate as any contestant and Bachelor/ette can be. It can be sobering to remember that everyone on the show is competing for marriage! Actual marriage.
But it’s primetime TV, and such are the show’s values! Until, of course, the Fantasy Suite episode the week before the finale, wherein the three remaining contestants are invited to spend a night with the Bachelor/ette. In this case, that’s Kendall, Becca K., and Lauren B, and the Bachelor, of course, is Arie Luyendyk Jr, the least cool race-car driver of all time.
It should be no surprise at all that Kendall went home this week, considering the small amount of airtime she got in comparison to the other two contenders (roughly 20 minutes of Kendall compared to at least 45 for both Lauren B. and Becca K).
The week’s biggest news, however, had nothing to do with Fantasy Suites. In last Sunday night’s edition of The Bachelor: Women Tell All – the annual wrap-up episode featuring a round table of all of the losing contestants – a bombshell was dropped revealing this week’s two-part, 5 hour finale to be “like nothing in Bachelor history.”
You heard it here first! Here’s the twist: in this week’s episode of the Bachelor, Arie is going to propose to either Becca K. or Lauren B. only to redact it, dump her, and beg a past contestant to take him back… and they do!
So stay tuned! Arie’s season of the Bachelor is about to go from notably boring to “the most dramatic season ever.”
Contact contributing writer PJ McCormick at firstname.lastname@example.org.